WINTER SOLSTICE...The Begining Of The Return To Light

Welcoming the blessings of the winter solstice has become for me, my foremost Christmastime ritual. Darkness prevails for a time. I can't figure out what I'm doing. I imagine fretful and discouraging images during my midnight awakenings. I am filled with self doubt and the lingering weight of apparent failures. I can feel myself wrapped in a mantle of numbness...a very old defense against opening to the depth of emotions that old conditioning would have me hide. The darkness is everywhere that I look...and its' dirge plays on my heart strings assuring me that any effort I make is worthless given the ignorance and misplaced priorities of the world around me. I have reached the age when I have become wise to the ploys of marketing and the media fanning flames of imitation happiness that they promise will be found in a can of coke or of romance hiding in a diamond ring. Malls have become sites of terror and elementary schools the target of gun weilding fanatics. Gone are the naive ideals that fostered great expectations without hard work. Gone are the values that held shoe labels and purse makers' vendors as sources of Christmas joy. I deeply feel the burn of Scrooge within me. Charities that call for donations after playing on human empathy have become scams of American greed. I can't even begin to identify all the dark places and shadow spaces that are around and within me. When you are immersed in darkness, darkness is all you can see.
           The end of the growing season brings a state of exhaustion. After planting, growing, harvesting and preserving, the hard work of the garden is done and I can breathe free and deeply again. It is a time of deep gratitude for the fruits of my labor and the abundance to share with the folks that populate my life. A sense of completion settles over me and I give in to the need for rest. That coming of the darkness is welcome...the dark side of nature blesses me with restorative rest. Inevitably, the days become slower, shorter, and time seems to gallop like it does when you fall asleep and dream. I tend to get depressed. The shortness of days combined with the increase in cold hums to me of a long winter ahead here in central Maine. Even the dog, Gracie has more naps and demands less exercise. I have learned that there is kindness in the dark. In the dark, we commend our loved ones who have passed. In the dark we share intimacy and dream. In the dark we plant seeds...
with a faith that they will surely grow. It seems that most endings/beginnings originate in the dark...and trust is rewarded eventually. Growth happens. And it happens without us doing anything.
This is the great beauty of the dark.
           After many years of gardening, I have learned patience...not that I am patient...but I am less inclined to meddle with artificial light. I am less anxious and more willing to leave that which I can't control, in the hands of the astonishing Mother Earth. Thankfully, she doesn't disappoint. She doesn't make promises she doesn't intend to keep. She doesn't select a certain chosen few to show herself to. She is unconditional and indifferent to individual variations. If anything, she celebrates and delights in variation and mutation. The more unique, the more fun. I have even stopped using the artificial light to inspire my chickens to lay more eggs. All chicks need rest. All humans need shelter. All life needs Earth. Withdrawing into darkness is an ancient form of healing. Animals still do it. People would be wise to learn the method. The human fervor for technology...for artificial food, artificial lights, artificial communication... is a stressful and joy killing process. It  is also exhausting...to energy, to motivation, to jobs and to all the natural resources. Humans thinking they know it all is the darkest of darknesses.
          I have learned to refrain from forcing things. I love my quiet darkness as best as I can. And since I began holding myself in a loving embrace during dark times, I have blundered into a new respect for myself and for Mother Nature. The violence is no longer within me. The devastation of our planet by the World Order is strange and mysterious. Alien. Who are these perpetrators of  evil, instigators of terror, destroyers of our planet? I really don't want to know them. I prefer my simple darkness to what I feel is global insanity. But the signs of the times are a collective darkness. I have burned myself out reacting in anger and from my deepest darkness, I have surrendered to my own humanity. I forgive myself.
           There is nothing else I can do. I practice gratitude. The side effect has been to learn forgiveness. I forgive myself for the faults that glare, for the damage I have been a part of. ..for giving my trust to the untrustworthy. I forgive my own terror and inability to sustain certain overambitious plans. I forgive myself for loveless reactions and negative expectations. And the stars come out.
Tonight there will be one more moment of light...thus begins the ascension. The brightest light is born of the darkest dark. This I believe. I have seen it. Touched and tasted it. The first beam of light shatters the dark and heralds the turning of the wheel. May all who pray for light be filled by the blessings of the Winter Solstice.